Philadelphia

24

Yea. I used to look in the mirror. Naked. Hoping. For perfection. Yea. I used to eat raisins all day. I used to want to be everything you wanted and never thought about anything that I wanted. I didn’t know. All I knew was that that mirror had better say “perfect.”

I saw the way you loved models. And celebrities. I saw the media. I saw the fitting room, how my body could not look “right.” To feel guilty for eating, to feel guilty about one pound, to feel anything at all, just to be “perfect.”

And one day, I was the “perfect” I had once wanted. Except that it wasn’t. I was skinny. Too skinny. I was tired. I was pale. But I could fit into those ******* jeans. I felt like ****. I felt uglier than ever that day. I looked halfway dead. It wasn’t worth it anymore.

The next day. I don’t care. I ate everything. I don’t look at the calories. I skip the gym. I don’t care what you have to say or which girl you have to compare me to. Do you understand this? I don’t care. I need to be beautiful to me. Not by anyone else’s standards but my own.

Yea. I am a woman. My measurements you will never see repeated. I am MY size, not your size. Not the size anyone thinks I should be. I need to be my “beautiful” size. I can be a size 2. Or a size 12. But I am a woman and I curve. I’m sorry if you don’t think this is “perfect.” But to be honest, I don’t think you’re perfect enough to say that to me. So go eat some raisins. I am a woman. And I curve. How can you tell me what a woman should look like?- I AM a woman. And I look like this.

Yea. I look in the mirror. Naked. Every day. Because I’m too beautiful not to look. And you can’t make me feel otherwise.

This is for everyone who knows “perfect.”

http://www.beutifulmagazine.com

Western Pennsylvania.

20

I can't really say when I had my first run-in with my ED. I am only 4'11 at age 20 and according to my doctor, I am done and have been done growing since I was about 17. I have always been "the skinny" one out of my group of friends. I didn't hit 100lbs until my jr. year of highschool and I got a little concerned. It wasn't bad though, I wasn't like, gonna go cry about it. Then a few months after hitting 100lbs, I reached 103 and that scared me. I began to watch what I ate and whenever I felt I ate too much I would cut. I had also been cutting for about 6 months at that point in time. I was also thrown into therapy by my parents because I was severely depressed and was always having panic attacks and couldn't control my anger. They finally came to the conclusion that I have biploar disorder, borderline personality disorder, a panic anxiety disorder and just this past February I was diagnosed with my eating disorder. I had tried to stop cutting and it never worked, but then since I was starting to get worried about my weight, when I would usually cut, I was replacing it with binging and purging. I eventually went back to cutting and forgot about my eating habits. It wasn't until after my 4th hospitalization in a year and missing a lot life that I decided I needed to stop cutting, so I did. I mean, yes, there are relapses, but I haven't cut in a good 8 months =]. But since I have stopped cutting, I am now diagnosed with an moderate eating disorder. I was purging almost 3 times a day a few months ago but then I got 4 cavities from it that weren't any fun getting filled. Now, I just don't eat. Well, I eat, but hardly anything. I also try to ignore the subject with my therapist, because when I say that I think I'm huge, I can imagine she thinks that I am judging her weight, and I'm not at all. I guess put simply, I just want to be thin. In my head, since I am so short, I can't be fat because I will look so gross. And I also don't want to not be "the skin

Southern-Central Mississippi

15

ok... this is hard... me and my parents have always gotten along and now I have a new boyfriend and they love him... and it's like they love him more than they love me... but even before he came along they've treated me differently... like they tend to yell at me alot.. I am on medication for depression and sometimes I still feel like nothing is helping... I am afraid to address my parents so when I go to therapy I talk to her about it... although I feel better the rest of that day the feeling never lasts... earlier tonight I was tring to find some nails to hang up some new pictures I bought the other day and couldn't find any so I go ask my dad if he has any and he says "duh I always have ****in nails" and then he throws his keys at me (which might I add has a lot of keys on it about 50 or so). well I go out to his truck to look for the nails... I can't find any when I come back in he's like you don't have to throw things around which makes no sense to me since he just threw them at me... well things like this have been happening alot in the past month or so and lately I have thought about suscide... I want to get out and away from this... I am very open to Jason* my boyfriend about this and everytime he cries and begs saying no no no.. and it stops me.. just for him.. he's been my best friend for over a year and we've been dating about half a year.. I love him and that's what stops me is knowing that he loves me too.. well.. I'm just scared that one day we might break up(hopefully not)... or I may just go over the edge and that may not help me.. I want a way to get away from these thoughts... please help me... anyone

Minneapolis

17

I use to be so skinny... throughout my life. I never touched food. I never cared for it. It wasn't like I had a problem or anything with body image... And than a couple years ago my family and I moved away from my old neighborhood and all my friends... And than I moved to this horrible new neighborhood with no children or teens to play with... And I began to feel alone and I began to eat alot. Alot. I still have problems with eating. But I've begun to pinpoint and see that my body image is the reason for all my problems with food. Hopefully as my body image improves, I'll eat moderately and be happier. :D

maine

13

See, in my school kids are mean about if u are a little overweight, and i see it everyday. Even though they are my friends, i don't know how to help them.

Galloway

17

Im 17 years old and when I was 13 years of age my father took me to the park to run and because i could make it around the track once his got upset and he called me fat. It hurt me very much but I didn't show it. then I started vomiting very thing that I ate. when that wasn't enough I started skipping meals soon enough I didn't eat anything for days. I weigh 85 pounds and still see that 13 year old girl that couldn't ,ake it around that track

Colorado

13

I am thriteen years old, i am 5'1" and i weigh 130lbs. My mom tells me its normall, but normal to me is 5'3" 100lbs. I dunno why anyone would ever consider me beautiful there are just too many things that i am worried about when i look in the mirror. In fact things have gotten so bad that wen i do look in the full lengthed mirror i want to go puke. MY love handles buldge out the sides of my jeans and i ltteraly want to take a knife and cut the fat off of my body. Kids at school call me log legs, they say my calves look like tree trunks. theres nothing i can do about that tho, i play soccer and these legs of mine are all muscule, i just dont understand wut i can do to improve myself. I have tried to diet and exercise more then i ussually do and i have lost ten pounds at one time. (all was gained back) I have even tried to become bolemic at one point. Im not going to lie i deff need some help.

Garrison, KY

25

I hit the age of puberty,the time when a young girl become extremely self-conscious about her body, in the early nineties.This was a time when popular models were becoming thinner and thinner. I grew up reading Seventeen magazine,which focused on appearance.Even though I was very thin for my height(approximately 5'4" and 90-ish lbs.),I became extremely self-conscious about my weight,and could never seem to be thin enough.I worried consantly about becoming fat,and was consantly scanning my body for the slightest indication of cellulite and "flab."It was not until I went to college and became educated about such issues that I began to relax and enjoy my body.However,it was not long until I began to scrutinize myself once again,only this time because of the size of my breasts,or lack therof.This self-degradation came as a result of being told by a previous employer that,if I ever expected to be respected in my field,that I would need to get breast implants!My boss had gone on to tell me that women with really pretty faces could get by on their looks alone.But, since I was "just OK in the looks department,"I would need something extra to get me by.I was angry,but hurt all the same. The rational part of me told myself that by breast size had nothing to do with my job performance,but I could not help but internalize the remark.It seemed that everywhere I looked,I was bomarded by images of large-breasted women with perfect skin and hair.It was not until I did a presentation on the topic of women in the media that I realized that the majority of these images had been digitally manipulated in order to appear perfect.However,even with this knowledge,it is still difficult for me to view those images and not compare myself to them.I spend a lot of time trying to influence my little sister and her friends to believe that they are perfect the way they are and that there is so much more to life than looks.I hope to get to them before the media does.

Munich

17 (18 in one month!!! :-))

I Like the idea of this film!
I had my first bout of bulimia at the age of 12, and it resurfaced again sporadically over the years. When I turned 16 however, bulimia bacame a constant to my other at that time developed obsession; cutting.
I have been in therapy since then, they knew about my cutting long before i told them about my chucking, as i had gone and asked for help. I have completely stopped cutting *Proud shine* but am still batteling with the whole eating vs. not eating and throwing up or not. i might add that i am slightly overweight (No, i am not kidding honestly, i am 1.8 m and weigh 82 kg) but before bulimia i was a binge eater. in the last year i have lost 12 kg. Hooray for me!!
My eating is getting better, and i have another year of therapy ahead, so hopefully i should be able to cure myself and my self image soon!!!
Love and Light,
Bright Blessings
Kitten

Chippewa Falls, WI

18

The topic of body image is one that is very important and close to me. Growing up as a somewhat "chubby" child, I learned early on that image and looks mattered. Throughout highschool and I began to experiment with diet and excersise, which soon spiraled out of control. I lost 30 pounds in a matter of months. I didn't care what I was doing, even though in the back of my mind was a voice telling me this was very dangerous. I hated feeling full and I got some sort of cruel satisfaction from feeling hungry. The moment I ate something, I'd cry because I felt like I had betrayed my body. I finally managed to get back on track, but my whole body image is still screwed up. Either I want to not eat or I binge eat and then feel horribly guilty. I'm not going to blame everything on the media, but I do believe it's a huge influence. It's funny because I don't know who I'm trying to impress. I mean, generally I think it's males, but most of the ones I talk to, and all that I have dated prefer a more fleshy body, yet that never seems to sink in. I fight with it everyday and I think it's really important to get peoples stories out and educate people about this subject. If we spent half of the time we spend on worrying about our appearance on more constructive things, who knows what we'd be capable of. Of course everything is easier said than done

Salt Lake City

35

I just caught a bit of the documentary on Tv and I thought all the women were so pretty and real.. I don't usually watch television because I hate how unreal it is, but I was glad I happened to catch the bit of the program that I did. I am 35 years old and about 210 lbs.....I get more compliments on my looks now than I did when I was in my late teens and early twenties....a positive self image (plus fantastic cleavage ) can do wonders for one's social life! Its not about how much you fit the "social standard" its about how good you feel about yourself!!!!!

Love,
Bullet!!!!!

kissimmee

22

i have been battling anorexia for 10 years it started when i was 13 years old, so i was a little chunky! i decided to ecercise. it was all normal, but the more weight i lost the more carried away i got. where i started at a weight of 150lbs to a fast weight loss to 120lbs to where i ended up at 80 lbs and in the hospital. i was struggling for my life. sense age 13 to age 19 i was in and out of hospitals. depression set in and suscide started to become a big problem also putting me into psych wards. i would exercise 3 times a day, loosing all of my friends, and putting my family through hell. when i got into highschool my anorexia subsided for a while, when i made a promise to my family that if gained 130 lbs i could join the cross country team, i reached my gaol and was able to join, with 4 good years of running. when i graduated high school i became depressed again after losing a boyfriend of 2 years i started to gain weight, up to 170lbs. hanging out with bad people loosing jobs, my life was going nowhere, and just when i thought it could not get any worse, at 19 years of age i was raped by a mgr trainee. my life was a mess. but despite everything that had happened there was a little light at the end of the tunnel, and i met who is now my husband, a wonderful man who has supported me and stood by me through every thingeven though my anorexia has come back into my life where my 5'6 body frame went from 170lbs to 130lbs. where i'm deathly afarid of becoming fat my husband watches me like a hawk keeping me in line, but i know i will forever battle anorexia some days are better then others. my dream some day is to help people with eating disorders, where they can reach a level they can live well in.

Titusville

47

I COULD WRITE ALOT AS SOME DID TO GIVE YOU A BACKGROUND ON MYSELF BUT I DONT THINK IT MATTERS. THE ONLY POINT I WANT TO MAKE IS THAT WE SHOULD ALWAYS APPRECIATE WHO WE ARE. IF WE ARENT ABLE TO APPRECIATE WHO YOU ARE OR HOW WE LOOK, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. IF YOU WANT THE BODY OF AN ATHLETE YOU CANNOT BE A COUCH POTATOE OR HAVE A SUBDUED LIFE STYLE. WE SHOULDNT WHINE IF WE ARENT WILLING TO WORK. IF WE ARE NOT CONTENT WITH OUR KNOWLEDGE WE GET MORE EDUCATION OR READ OR TAKE STEPS TO GO TOWARDS OUR GOAL. ALL OF THESE SAME PRINCIPLES APPLY TO OUR PHYSICAL BODY AS WELL. CINDY

California

42

Wow......
I just saw this on KQED tonite, and I must say that although some of it was familiar, it was a bit of a shock that the more physically 'cultural-norm' women in the group felt as isolated and imperfect as those women I know that are 'real-average' that I have heard voice self-rejecting thoughts around me.
I don't think that I had realized just how much damage is being done to even those that could on first blush appear to fit the molds that are shoved down our throats by ads.

I think an expanded version of what you present should be REQUIRED viewing with guided discussion in jr high gym, and again in 11th/12th grade with a more sophisticated examination- mayhap it would help in changing that sense of 'only I am broken' that seems to infect so many American women these days.

I was once upon a time fairly close to a good weight, back before 2 kids and a sedentary job got the better of me
But, even then I knew that my breasts were smaller than most girls, and my backside was significantly bigger- and I have a long torso/short pudgy legs, which only emphasizes the small top/large bottom combo as well. Add to that a permanent double chin, an overbite AND full lips, and pale skin that simply never tans...
Oddly, I never felt 'less' or 'unattractive', but I did feel intimidated by THAT kind of male attention and it still makes me uncomfortable most of the time- even from my husband, sadly.
He works on making me feel good about my physical appearance often, and I do try and be OK with positive attention.
The only difference I can think of is that we had NO television between my 9th and 17th years.
cont' below...

Califronia

42

cont'd
That said, I have two daughters, 15 and 18, that I have tried to raise as both savvy consumers and outspoken individuals.

They have varying physical traits from my side of the family and from their Dad's, who is Asian.
That pretty much guarantees small breasts , with one having my long torso/shorter legs combo and one her dad's long legs/moderate torso combo.

The first is 15 and seems utterly horrified of her body developing hips and more curves- mind you she is GORGEOUS- And those curves she already has in the butt and thighs are attractive to boys who make no bones about it
She also has the height neccessary to counter balance the long torso that I do not.
She spends far too much time making sure her hair/makeup/clothes are perfect, and is easily swayed by every product commercial ever shown; I have a running battle to undo the images and promotions damage EVERY DAY so that hopefully she sees being herself, however that turns out to be, as GOOD.

California

42

cont'd
The 18 year old has legs that go forever, and very curvy hips and butt, but a risk of larger thighs if she doesn't walk to work or something at least 3xweek; this concerns her a little but not too much unless the 'wobble' becomes too obvious to her.
She has a 'elfin' face and trouble with her complexion, and LONG thick hair- seems to be a 'guy magnet' even when she is dressed like a boy and being B!t@hy to their face!
She has always had a good body image, although there was a rough patch of all skinny arms and legs she couldn't control at early puberty- media images just make her roll her eyes and comment on the stupidity of the advertiser to think that is a good image to use.

Why so different a take on how they perceive their bodies?
Why so different an ability to filter what is being 'sold' to them?
Why such a difference in how much weight they give others' opinions of them in their social circles?

That mystery drives me just NUTS, since I have always wanted both of them just to be strong, independent, happy people with good friends and a good life:
If they had a good physical trait they liked we acknowledged it positively but don't give it too much weight in life, and if they had one that they didn't like so well we acknowledged it TOO, but ACCEPTED it as DNA at work and let it GO!

I wish I knew the answer, but maybe showing this to as many growing girls as possible is a good first step...

San Francisco

40

I watched this right before going to bed. My wife and my three daughters are asleep in the rest of the house. There is so much wrong with this "documentary" that it's sort of frightening.
a) Every single woman who participated had a major body image issue. Not at all representative, or even close. Nobody in the group who thought she was fine, liked to play soccer, nothing like that.
b) The constant harping on the "mass media", men, parents and various other amorphous groups as being the cause of these problems. Nobody in the group has any perspective, resilience, judgment or wisdom, it seems. If you're dumb enough to let "Cosmo" tell you who you should be and you're older than, say, nineteen, you kind of deserve what you get.
c) It is not necessarily bad to want to be in better shape. It's not some kind of political statement, tool of oppression or sexist conspiracy. Maybe you just want to feel better, have more energy, and so on.
d) Talk sometime to a man who's short if you want the lowdown on another body image issue. Or balding.
e) A lot of this is driven, I think, by evolutionary psychology. You can whine all you want about it, but it's probably an essential part of human nature, and weeping about it on television will change nothing. Sorry, but at least in young, dumb human beings, sexual attractiveness is closely tied, I think, to deeply rooted, biologically driven perceptions of fertility and faithfulness.
f) With respect to RunningTurtle's conclusion (that all female body image issues are a byproduct of all men's fear of being unable to get a boner) I have to say that I remember being taught that all literature and in fact, most of Western culture, was based on how men felt about our weenies back in around 1982, and it's refreshing to see that those same principles have stood the test of time, albeit with the refinement of the theory by adding that we're not just obsessed with our penises in general, but with their capabilit

Boston

23

I've seen the documentary twice now and it really touched me. At this point, I feel so lost in my life as my battle with bulimia continues. I've been very weight conscious since highshool, and started chronically purging a year ago. I know that there is more to life than a body size. There is more to me than my weight. All that seems to get lost in the confusion and I feel so mad much of the time. When I saw the documentary, I felt really sad because I realized that some many women in our society deal with it every day of their lives. My heart goes out to all who struggle with eating issues because I know it can get quite lonely. The feelings of desperation and frustration are immeasureable. I think that the issue goes deeper than society's view of beauty; sure society plays a large role in objectifying the ideal body, but eating issues also stem from one's ability to reaffirm who they are and how they deal with everything in life.

I want to get on with my life because girls I know there is so much out there to strive for. I am Asian and from a low income background, so I know that eating disorders can affect every size, race, and color. Thank you for the documentary. It really helps to hear others relate their story and to realize that I am not alone.

Nacogdoches

49

An ingredient that seems missing from the discussion of female body image is a major modern force involved in forming this image in the first place: the fear that men have of not being able to achieve an erection. The event and the circumstance of the event of an erection have been tied together in modern times. A rubric could be created which delineates appearance and setting, in an almost objectifyingly theoretical way. In this new mythology of male self-righteousness and control, women *must* acquire signs and must give signals that the event is called for. It's the reason there are millions of rapists walking the streets of America: the entire media mechanism is a response tool used by men to over-ride this fear. I've talked to many other men about this perspective, and the general feeling is that society views us as support mechanisms for virility, code word capable of an erection. Historically, men who got inappropriate erections were shamed, and yet men have not had absolute control over this. The solution has been to create a society in which every moment it is appropriate "to achieve an appropriate identity" within the society. Women have been taught to serve as visual stimulation for men. When women "decide" that men are not the objects of their own desires (lesbianism), this is also appropriated by men. Men appropriate each new layer because rationalizing the event is absolutely the bottom line. Addressing this portion of the problem will take an extremely difficult appraisal of masculinity. I support your efforts; I'd like to see the same interview with men only. Men must learn to see their actions and speech as part of the problem. Runningturtle

USA

19

I have been struggling with bulimia for 3 years now, and your TV program made me feel that there were more people out there that understood what I am going through.
I started out actually weighing 136 pounds being 5'3, fall of my junior year in highschool. That's when I went on my first diet, which consisted of herbal tea, oatmeal, bananas, and rice cakes. Soon enough I was shedding off the pounds- no one was really concerned because I told them I was just trying to lose a little weight. The months went on, I would tell my parents I had already eaten when they asked if I wanted to come down for dinner. Or I just merely told them I wasn't hungry that night- I had eaten a big lunch. It was about the middle of the following summer when I weighed in at about 95 pounds. People were beginning to wonder, and personally I felt great about myself. I don't really know why, it just felt good when you heard people say," Wow you look great, you've lost all that weight". However, I knew how I had lost it, and I knew I had a problem. Food was my main priority. My mother was worried but didn't believe that could have this disorder- and I had my ways about getting around her. Food was the main topic of that summer and the years following. I would eat about 18,000 calories in one setting and then purge it up-feeling relieved that I didn't gain any of it. It was after I went to college for one semester did I ask my mother for help. By now she knew that I had a problem, but she told me to come to her when I wanted to help myself- because there was no sense in trying help someone who doesn't want helped. So when I went off to school at --- University my freshman year, I tried so hard to try and control it myself- I tried and tried, it didn't work. I was worse than ever, still at about 100 pounds. I never studied, and my social habits were terrible. Some how I managed to drop some courses which brought my end of the semester grade to a 3.4- which isn't that bad...