I like many other mums on this site have lost custody of her kids, to a degrading violent selfish man who only took them because i left him......that was the answer he gave me when i asked him why?
All i wanted to do was to give my girls & I a better happier life....a life where we didnt have to be scared or afraid, a life where my daughters would be able to be themselves instead of being to scared to move of the lounge to go to the toilet, or god forbid if they wet the bed that wouldcost them 6 hits with the belt i would step in to prevent them from copping it but he'd just push me out of the way & hit them harder because i tried to stop him.
So we left the 1st 10 months were the easiest, we were together me & my girls, its been every day since thats the hardest, the pain with out them, knowing what they are going through still, the guilt i feel.....guilt because i got out...they didnt...the courts sent them back.
When a father loses his kids people say "oh my god that poor man" & "it must be hard on him", when a mother loses her kids people say "why? what did she do",or "well she must have deserved it", & "mothers dont lose her kids for no reason".
Everyday i go through that as im sure many others do, I hold my head up & i go see my girls at school functions where im stared at, told why bother trying to be there mum, you should just stop comming, & alot worse. I dont know any other mum who is in the same sitution as me im trying to find some who are, i have friends yes, but none who understand how i feel or why some days i dont feel i can keep fighting, or the days where i just wish i wouldnt wake up, or days where i hide & not go out. People told me 4 years ago it will get easier it wont be like this in 12 months from now hang in there.
Its hard especially birthdays, christmas, mothers day all the special occassions, but whats harder is hanging onto the memory of the last day i put my girls into bed & kissed them good night it seems so long ago & i wonder if i will ever be able to do that again!!!!!!
