To all those non resident mums out there, I would just like say.....life goes on! It has been six years in dec when I became a NRM, of which the first four were the most emotionally excrutiatingly painful years of my entire life! I thought being married to an abusive man was hard to cope with, but that was nothing!! I did not think that I would ever cope with the pain, and the grief from my "losing" my children to my ex. To all those non resident mums out there, what ever the reason that this situation has evolved from...we all have one thing in common, and that is the grief we have experienced. With the pain comes the depression and the guilt, particually on birthdays and other special occasions, or when a your child is sick and you cannot comfort them. The days of being unable to function, the inability to face the world another day disappear along with the years...so that is why I am here to tell you that life goes on! Six years later, and I am still here. My children are still with him, (although my eldest is planning to move in at the end of the year.) I still have the same painful feelings but they are less often. My kids have 'survived" with out me being a predominate figure in their lives. They say time heals, but I dont know about that, I think time just dulls the pain. I know time brings about different issues, and different problems. I can only say to any non resident mothers out there that, what ever your situation is, think positive thoughts, push the negative ones out of your mind and look after yourself and open up your heart to some happiness..as life really does go on!

I'm hearing you, my friend! I'ts been 4 years since my little girl went to live with her dad. The pain goes away, but becomes an ache. Its bittersweet, really. I know she is happy with her dad, and she's well taken care of. But that longing to have her come home again, is sometimes overwhelming. When she's happy to come home, she know's that the light will always be on for her. For now though, she's ok and thats all I need to know.
I was registered with this website last year, but I had to diconnect the internet at home. I'm now back up and running again, and I would love to hear from any mums out there who are in this situation. We all need to know we are not alone in this situation, because it appears to be such a maligned thing for the child not be with their mother. I think we all know what I'm talking about! Please feel free to contact me....

Thanks Michelle & Keryn,
I really needed to hear that I'm not alone. I chose to give my four kids over to their father in 2001 after nearly three years arguing over custody in court. I often feel so overwhelmed with the guilt that I gave up the fight, but at the time I thought it was the best thing for all of us, especially as I felt I was going crazy, and I knew he wouldn't stop until he got them. Honestly, afterwards, it felt like my children had died. It left a big huge hole in my heart that can never be filled, but I agree, over time it has grown just numb enough for me to live with. Unfortunately every week freshens the wound a little as I try to contact the children for my weekly phone call (as per court order). Things are difficult because my relationship with their father is very hostile. Not only that, I have to accept that the woman he broke up our marriage for is now "mother" to my children. They've called her "mother" since the day they met her, obviously encouraged by their father!
Together they make it constantly difficult for me to speak with the children each week, saying they're asleep, or at a party, or only two of them are at home etc. The eldest, my 12 year old daughter, is encouraged to be rude to me on the phone, so they can all sit and laugh in the background. They have convinced her it is "unhealthy" for her to see me again, although she can't explain to me "why". They have now convinced her to send me text messages saying that all four of them don't want me to call them this week! They make fun of my right as a mother, and even though I am in the process of going to court to regain my proper monthly contact, it is going to take at least 18 months before the courts will do anything! I have only a mobile number for them, no email address (in spite of my requests) and they don't let the children receive my mail! I don't even know which school he has put them in as they have changed schools 5 times in the last 3 years! I never know if I will see them again at the next scheduled contact, as many times he only brings two of them with excuses for the other two. He told me I would have them for Christmas this year, and I have just found out I won't! I feel powerless to do anything about it as the courts are so slow to act. In the meantime life does go on but some days it is just by a thread! I don't know if I can keep doing this. How much should I endure? Am I the only one who thinks it would be better if I just walked away and explained things to them when they are older?

hey Girl!

Gee...I wonder often how it would be if the shoe were on the other foot..It really makes me angry. Mothers who have sole custody of their children have been much maligned for similar behaviour as performed by your childrens' father. However, the father see this as the "ultimate" control.

I feel so bad for you...my heart breaks!

I too, didnt want to fight due to the emotional damage it would cause my daughter. I thought it best that I didnt, because I knew it would just never end. My ex would have fought me to my death. I have no doubt in my mind thats what would have happened. I was going crazy. The shear guilt, and the deathly silence of no child laughing or calling out "Mum!". The absolute gut-wrenching heartache I would feel walking back into my house after dropping her back to dad's, with no Beck. Tears were common-place, and it was my own pain. Although my fiance loves me dearly, he could never really understand. All he could do was hold me. Having to deal with my own emotions and worrying about fighting her dad...I could not face it. So, I had to let her go. Only counselling could help me do that. This is why it makes me so angry that a father can do this! If he only knew!!!!!!!

I'm ok now. I've learnt to "live" with it. I've learnt that its okay to have "a life". I have a career. I have a gorgeous partner, who I would not be without. I have a beautiful home, a career, financially stable. But it would be my ultimate dream for Beck to be with us. If for nothing else, I have worked hard to be where I am today, for my sake and for Beck.

If I can be any kind of role model for her, this is what I would like her to see of me. Happy.

Sooner or later, somehow you will see your children, Felicity. Dont ever give up hope. I have always hoped that when Beck's ready she will come for me. I tell her all the time that the light is on for her,always, for whenever she wants to come home. Its so unfair what their father is doing to them. Again, he's using the children as pawns.

Someday, you will be strong enough to fight him, and you will have those kids back,even if it means when they're older. They dont understand whats really going on right now. But they will open their own eyes-oneday. Perhaps it will mean you have to turn away, and the moment you do, they will come running. I have thought of turning away, only recently. I have felt that I havent been the best mum to her. But I know thats my guilt talking to me. The pain I feel when she mucks up, and I think she's rebelling against me. I then find out that its not just me she's doing it to, but also her dad and stepmother. That comforts me, strangely....I know I have given all the love I can, even though she might push me away, literally. But I just let her know, that I'm here for her and always will be-no matter what.

You are not alone...my shoulder is here for you.

Take care
Keryn xx

Thanks so so so so much Keryn!! You truly are an angel!! I will keep in touch!

Love Felicity

Hi

I am new to this site and thought i was the only person like this,hearing your stories is great thanks for letting people like me know we are not alone

I am new here..and I am sooo glad that I have come to this site...I am in the same boat as all of you and I really thought I was going to go through all this alone...I hope that we can all become friends and help each other along our journeys through life..I would love to hear from all of you :)

Hi Jade
I too am so glad i found this site!!
Ive sent a couple of emails on to people....but alas I think i forgot to put the "au" on the end of my email address.....One of those days!

Love to hear back from any of you reading this!
So nice to know there are others out there (even tho I wouldnt wish any of this experience on my worst enemy)... I dont think any of us signed up for this trip for the joy of it...for me it has been far from fun, 3 1/2 yrs on tho & Im learning to smile again. There will be gold at the end of our rainbows one day!
Hugs from Amanda :)